Poison Frog Solution

With all the tension in Japan, North Korea firing missiles overhead, tensions with China, there is need for something to unite Japan with its Asian brethren. What better way than to breed poisonous frogs?

While Japan may have a human breeding problem what it doesn’t seem to lack are the skills to breed poisonous frogs. Maruyama Zoo in Sapporo has successfully bred green and black poison dart frogs, yellow banded poison dart frogs and the golden poison dart frog. They’re breeding those things like Pokemon.

In Taipei you could color them impressed as with the techniques created by the Maruyama Zoo Taipei zoo was able to successfully breed blue poison dart frogs. They should be growing from tadpoles to full fledged frogs any day now.
Because of shrinking rainforests a lot of these poison dart frogs are endangered, so the breeding program is great. If it just so happens that they could be mechanized and used against North Korea in possible conflict, is that bad?

Crime Wave

Crimes seem to come in waves. Certainly the reporting of crimes comes in waves. The problem with this most recent crime wave is that it is one of the grossest waves possible.

First up is Tooru Miyazaki who splashed “bodily fluids” on the legs and skirt of a 12 year old girl who was walking around JR Kanamachi Station. The bodily fluid isn’t specified, which totally indicates what it was. Neither was the container, but I can make some educated guesses.

Miyazaki’s reasoning as to why this would be a good idea was “I did it to satisfy my sexual desire. I feel that middle schools girls uniforms are sexually stimulating.” To be honest, we didn’t need that statement, we already knew that. Police are pretty sure they have the right guy as he is also under investigation for a separate incident with another schoolgirl that happened 10 minutes later.

Miyazaki’s spirit animal is Yutaka Ugajin from Yokohama, who also splashed an “unspecified fluid” on a woman going up an escalator but since it was carried in a “contraceptive device”. It doesn’t take a great detective to figure out what’s going on. The incredibly sound reasoning here was “I liked her buttocks.” and “I did it due to work and family stress.”

Luckily being arrested is also known to be a great way to reduce those stresses as you will probably no longer have a job or a family afterwards. This is pretty much assured as he copped to doing the same thing in up to 8 other cases.

Anime AI

There have been warnings about Artificial intelligence. Elon Musk, Stephen Hawking…other smart people… have come out and said we have to be really careful how we move down this path. Mainly they are saying we should be real careful about sticking guns to robots and letting them roam around independently, but what these guys lack is real vision.

Like the ability for an AI to make a cute anime character with but the click of a few buttons. Yes, thankfully some productive Chinese students have seen the real potential of AI and put it to good use, really taken the reigns off and created an AI powered anime girl generator.

 

The results of my first try.

As you put in the information what is the AI actually doing? A random face generator couldn’t be a very difficult thing to do for a computer programmer to do without AI. It basically happens with NPC characters in video games.

No, it’s collecting your preferences to use against you in the future. Like in the movie Ex Machina where the robot’s body was designed based of the subjects porn searches. Your downfall will be the moe that comes for you, the one you cannot resist. It will be so cute, you die.

Here are the results I made with the above settings, and one completely random one.

How to sell a game

The Japanese commercial for massive video game Destiny came out.

No gameplay, not story information, no content of worth except dancing.

I went out and bought it the same day.

One Piece Pirates Arrested

Japan is often quite generous when it comes to laws, leaning more towards warnings than all the paperwork that comes with actually arresting people. Pirating and torrenting off the internet is often handled with a letter letting the delinquent that they have been spotting and should cease their offending ways before the situation escalates.

That changes when you bring the world’s most popular manga into play. So far 5 arrests have been made in the case of pages of One Piece being posted to the internet before the comic was released to the public.

A joint task force was created between Kumamoto and Akita police departments to nab Ryoji Hottai, Yo Uehara and three unnamed others. The pair were getting copies of Shukan Shonen Jump from shops that would sell them before the official release date then uploading scans to the internet.

One may wonder why such efforts would be made for what would only amount to internet fame, but the ad revenue from Hottai’s website generated 350 million yen since 2014. To put that into perspective, the average Japanese salary is somewhere between 3 to 4 million yen a year.

These Pirates don’t cotton to Pirating.

Nazism, Not Just For Americans

America might think it has the “pro-Nazi” demographic all tied up, but high profile Japanese people haven’t jumped that ship quite yet.

Thinks Nazis had a point.

Nazism being a relatively current trend in the western media people are really digging to find anything they can use to out people as Nazi lovers. Luckily a few years ago pro-nazi types didn’t really feel the need to hide their feelings. Dr. Katsuya Takasu is the founder of Takasu clinic (plastic surgery), which has one of the most annoying jingles in television history, especially since kids sing it all the time, but that isn’t what makes him a Nazi.

It was more the fact that he went on twitter and actually came right out and said how great the Nazi’s were by saying “how great Nazism was”. When called out he said he meant specifically the medical progress made under the Nazi regime. All that really ethical medical progress.

Deciding to double down he said “I think both the Nanjing and Auschwitz are fabrications.” saying our belief that these events occurred is the result of propaganda.

Former Prime Minister and current finance minister didn’t want to be left out of the game so he just came right out and said “Hitler, who killed millions of people, was no good even if his motive was right.” Strangely everyone seemed to misinterpret that statement as roundabout praise so a few days later Aso said he would like to retract that statement.

Then I said “I’m not being racist but…”

Thing is, retracting a statement might work if it was only once, but back in 2013 he said Japan should follow the Nazi’s example when amending the constitution. Specifically that Japan should change the current very pro-peace constitution quietly, in one night, without anyone realizing it, like the Nazi’s did.

He wanted to retract that statement as well. Expect Aso to boldly proclaim how much he loved Hitler’s style and murder, then want to walk back that statement a few days later. He just can’t figure out why people hate on Hitler so much.

How not to be a drug offender in Japan

Cops must hear the same excuses for pretty much every crime there is.

I didn’t mean to hurt him / her.

I thought it was my car.

I didn’t intend to…whatever.

The king of all of these has to be “I didn’t know it was drugs.”

You think with the police hearing these kind of excuses on a regular basis they would have a sense of how hollow they come across. This makes it especially interesting when, despite these experiences they fall into the exact same trap when they get caught.

Enter the officer who worked in the evidence department of a Fukuoka police station, Akiyoshi Sato. He lost a small bag on the train. This being Japan, no one stole the item, it was promptly, and properly, turned into the station staff. The staff, no experts in drug identification, thought that the substance in the bag looked an awful lot like marijuana, a still very illegal drug in Japan.

They did what upright and proper citizens do, they called the Police. Sato, having realized he lost his bag, called the station to see if it had been turned in. With luck, it had, and he was happily on his way to retrieve said bag, with the Police waiting there for him.

Promptly being arrested his excuse was that he did not know they were drugs in the bag. The bag he had carried with him, lost and come to collect, which he had brought from work, where there were a lot of drugs in evidence.

Drug dealers in Japan might not be as savvy as in other countries because there just isn’t that much availability but here is some advice: If you lose your stash on the train, it’s gone man, just let it go. Basically Sato just made it easier for the Police to catch him by coming back to the train station.

How not to be taken seriously

Here’s a problem that pretty much every porn star must have. They start making money as a porn star, but at some point realize they can’t keep up this lifestyle forever. Then they drop out and try to get a different job and hope their background stays anonymous, or they try and go legit.

The second option is probably the way harder one because once you are viewed as someone from the sex industry you can assume that is how people are going to see you going forward.

It takes a lot of very serious work, but that goal has to stay at the forefront all the time. Why am I telling you this?

Japan’s oldest “love doll” maker wants people to appreciate the artistry of their creations and not just view them as sex dolls anymore. All I can say is, from this promotional video from a recent event they aren’t doing a very good job.

You want me to look at your dolls as artistic creations you might want to re-think your presentation. Stop the video at the 40 second mark and you won’t just see that they have taken the top off one of the dolls, but put them in a cliché bunny outfit that screams “artistic”. Also, in the background, mounted on the wall like a trophy, is a butt. A butt that seems to send a message that isn’t so much “art” as “bangin opportunity”.

There is no problem with people promoting sex, just like there is no problem with people promoting art, but if you want to be taken seriously then how you present yourself is going to dictate how people see you.

Are you stinky? There’s an app for that

Japan is a hot and humid place in the summer. It also suffers from the inability to understand how indoor heating and cooling works. Also, people get stuffed onto trains. These things combined mean people stink.

Smell Harassment, or sume-hara, derived smell and harassment, like power harassment (pawa-hara) and sexual harassment (seku-hara), is now a thing that is popping up in the news every summer. Last year it was 40 SoftBank employees being pulled aside and forced to go to what I can only assume, was the stinkiest seminar ever.

More seriously, complaints filed have doubled from last year, so thanks media, for making that a new thing I actually have to care about.

There are two problems here, one: most people don’t even know they stink and two: What’s the point of harassing someone if you don’t even know you’re doing it.

Enter technology, specifically Kunkun body. A small device that you hold up to various body parts that is connected to your smartphone that measures your stench.

Now you can slip out of the office and into any private setting to check if you are getting strange looks for your smell or your off colored racist humor, helping you decide which one to try and hide better in the future.

Old Outdoor Torizo

People all over the world tend to discount old people. That can’t happen in Japan anymore as they are the country’s biggest demographic. Old people are everywhere and they are getting into everything. Everything even includes crime.

Tokyo Police have arrested Torizo Hirose for pickpocketing. That isn’t so unusual except Hirose is 83 years old. His modus operandi seems to be going to large crowded events, like a fireworks festival where is was arrested, and getting his ancient hands on whatever he could.

Although, he does have a rock solid defense stating “I was only using my hands to clear the large amount of people out of my way.” And if objects on their person fell into my hands I assumed they were giving them to me so I kept them as a point of pride and felt joy that someone had shared their life with me.

All I can really say is that it isn’t looking good for Hirose since he is so well known to the police they have given him a nickname, “Outdoor Torizo”

Is it odd that somehow the nickname makes him seem more sympathetic?

Luckily he was caught by a spry 72 year old because as we all know, the only thing that can stop a bad old man, is a good old man.