Crime Wave

Crimes seem to come in waves. Certainly the reporting of crimes comes in waves. The problem with this most recent crime wave is that it is one of the grossest waves possible.

First up is Tooru Miyazaki who splashed “bodily fluids” on the legs and skirt of a 12 year old girl who was walking around JR Kanamachi Station. The bodily fluid isn’t specified, which totally indicates what it was. Neither was the container, but I can make some educated guesses.

Miyazaki’s reasoning as to why this would be a good idea was “I did it to satisfy my sexual desire. I feel that middle schools girls uniforms are sexually stimulating.” To be honest, we didn’t need that statement, we already knew that. Police are pretty sure they have the right guy as he is also under investigation for a separate incident with another schoolgirl that happened 10 minutes later.

Miyazaki’s spirit animal is Yutaka Ugajin from Yokohama, who also splashed an “unspecified fluid” on a woman going up an escalator but since it was carried in a “contraceptive device”. It doesn’t take a great detective to figure out what’s going on. The incredibly sound reasoning here was “I liked her buttocks.” and “I did it due to work and family stress.”

Luckily being arrested is also known to be a great way to reduce those stresses as you will probably no longer have a job or a family afterwards. This is pretty much assured as he copped to doing the same thing in up to 8 other cases.

One Piece Pirates Arrested

Japan is often quite generous when it comes to laws, leaning more towards warnings than all the paperwork that comes with actually arresting people. Pirating and torrenting off the internet is often handled with a letter letting the delinquent that they have been spotting and should cease their offending ways before the situation escalates.

That changes when you bring the world’s most popular manga into play. So far 5 arrests have been made in the case of pages of One Piece being posted to the internet before the comic was released to the public.

A joint task force was created between Kumamoto and Akita police departments to nab Ryoji Hottai, Yo Uehara and three unnamed others. The pair were getting copies of Shukan Shonen Jump from shops that would sell them before the official release date then uploading scans to the internet.

One may wonder why such efforts would be made for what would only amount to internet fame, but the ad revenue from Hottai’s website generated 350 million yen since 2014. To put that into perspective, the average Japanese salary is somewhere between 3 to 4 million yen a year.

These Pirates don’t cotton to Pirating.

How not to be a drug offender in Japan

Cops must hear the same excuses for pretty much every crime there is.

I didn’t mean to hurt him / her.

I thought it was my car.

I didn’t intend to…whatever.

The king of all of these has to be “I didn’t know it was drugs.”

You think with the police hearing these kind of excuses on a regular basis they would have a sense of how hollow they come across. This makes it especially interesting when, despite these experiences they fall into the exact same trap when they get caught.

Enter the officer who worked in the evidence department of a Fukuoka police station, Akiyoshi Sato. He lost a small bag on the train. This being Japan, no one stole the item, it was promptly, and properly, turned into the station staff. The staff, no experts in drug identification, thought that the substance in the bag looked an awful lot like marijuana, a still very illegal drug in Japan.

They did what upright and proper citizens do, they called the Police. Sato, having realized he lost his bag, called the station to see if it had been turned in. With luck, it had, and he was happily on his way to retrieve said bag, with the Police waiting there for him.

Promptly being arrested his excuse was that he did not know they were drugs in the bag. The bag he had carried with him, lost and come to collect, which he had brought from work, where there were a lot of drugs in evidence.

Drug dealers in Japan might not be as savvy as in other countries because there just isn’t that much availability but here is some advice: If you lose your stash on the train, it’s gone man, just let it go. Basically Sato just made it easier for the Police to catch him by coming back to the train station.

Old Outdoor Torizo

People all over the world tend to discount old people. That can’t happen in Japan anymore as they are the country’s biggest demographic. Old people are everywhere and they are getting into everything. Everything even includes crime.

Tokyo Police have arrested Torizo Hirose for pickpocketing. That isn’t so unusual except Hirose is 83 years old. His modus operandi seems to be going to large crowded events, like a fireworks festival where is was arrested, and getting his ancient hands on whatever he could.

Although, he does have a rock solid defense stating “I was only using my hands to clear the large amount of people out of my way.” And if objects on their person fell into my hands I assumed they were giving them to me so I kept them as a point of pride and felt joy that someone had shared their life with me.

All I can really say is that it isn’t looking good for Hirose since he is so well known to the police they have given him a nickname, “Outdoor Torizo”

Is it odd that somehow the nickname makes him seem more sympathetic?

Luckily he was caught by a spry 72 year old because as we all know, the only thing that can stop a bad old man, is a good old man.

The guy who lays things out. Vol 1

There is one job that fascinates me more than any other. Mainly because I doubt any person understands how this job comes about.

Some young people dream of becoming police officers, I commend them, but I could see the frustration in them finding themselves in a career that lacks a certain amount of artistry. For the artistic soul cries out for expression even when you are tied to your blue uniform of justice.

Then along comes an opportunity, one that I have followed for a long time with a strange sort of envy, because it is the job that I might consider a dream job.

It is the guy who lays things out.

With every police story in japan there comes one of two things, a picture of the accused, or a picture of the contraband all laid out. This is a common thing, the Police showing their spoils as it demonstrates they have really returned some order to a chaotic society.

For these photographic opportunities one must employ few weapons. Mainly a blue tarp and the deep love of organization. Yes, things that are laid out perfectly are more beautiful as the human eye seeks symmetry.

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Let me share with you some examples of the art of laying out contraband from Japan.

Here is the most obvious score, the piles of drugs. While in other countries they stack the drugs so that they seem to aim towards the heavens, in Japan the guy who lays things out makes even rows. He calculates the perfect amount for each rows and lays them tenderly , as they are now his ward.

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Do you steal shoes from high schools? Your booty is not disregarded as a lower form of theft. These shoes are treated with the same respect as the highest level drug bust.

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When we discuss someone who has impersonated an officer it is often difficult to imagine the effect. The guy who lays things out re-creates the whole experience and demonstrates the thoroughness of the criminal act.

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Dozens of thefts from pharmacies? What was stolen from each shop is presented with the care of someone who knows they must shave a thousand times before they really get to the core of any issue.

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Perhaps the mother load for any guy who lays things out, the criminal who has stolen items from high school girls. Laid out with the care one would have for the tenderest lover at the tenderest age.

Sorry, that got real gross just now.

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Finally, the piece du resistance, the full scene recreation. The crime in question was streaming uncensored girls on webcams, and just the items (the computers in the background) is not enough as your meager imagination could not build up a sense of the reality from just that. No, this guy who lays things out has taken that extra step and created the initial scene where the woman in question is still pretending to be shy about taking off her clothes. Oh, and here the anticipation will last forever.

Thank you, guy who lays things out. I strike forth into the future knowing that this is only the first entry into a thousand more weird crimes you will illustrate in orderly lines.